It's Time to Overcome Your Breakup
It's Time to Move on
When you both met you felt like you were in heaven.
When you were together you felt amazing.
All your problems went away, you both felt connected and the sex was incredible.
Now you’re breaking up.
What happened to that person who seemed so ideal and perfect when you first met?
At one time you were in love, now its time to part ways.
But how do you handle a break up?
One thing is for sure, you don’t want to be going back and forth in a cheap soap opera.
In this sense, you either work it out and stay together, or make the decision to go your own way.
If you had a valid reason to break up in the first place the chances are the relationships already run its course.
It’s time to move on.
But how do you break up with someone you love? (or thought you loved).
How do you break up in a way so you can both keep the good memories and at the same time move on with your life?
How do you avoid unnecessary drama and a loss of dignity in the process.
Have you ever known someone who runs the same relationship pattern over and over again?
The actors change but it’s always the same script.
After a while you know before they’ve even met their next partner that the relationship won't last long.
I’ve come to realise that to live a happy and healthy life, you need to have clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept.
What were the issues that caused the break up, and what can you learn from the whole experience?
If you don’t become conscious of these things you’re likely to find yourself in a similar situation again.
The person might change, but the characteristics of the relationship will be the same.
Once you’ve processed your experience and made the decision to move on, the actual break up is easy.
Why? Because your mind and emotions are now aligned.
Doubt, uncertainty and procrastination no longer contaminate your thinking process.
You make better and more logical decisions.
When you change how you perceive an experience in your mind, you also change how you feel about it.
At this point you're ready to move on into your future without carrying any negative baggage with you.
Breaking Up With Someone You Love
Love is a subjective emotion.
Similar to the word ‘God’ if you ask ten people what the word means to them you’re likely to get ten different answers.
What does love mean to you? What is you’re criteria for love?
And how do you know when you are in fact, in love?
I find the term ‘in love’ somewhat of a misnomer.
The ‘in’ part of ‘in love’ suggests impermanence, ie; I’m in the shower, I’m in the car, I’m in the office.
All of these terms suggest a temporary condition.
To use the word ‘in’ automatically creates the option of its opposite, ‘out’.
When you listen closely to the language people use when describing their experience you begin to notice a sea of contradictions, even in yourself.
Think of the love you have for your child, or your dog.
Are you ‘in love' with your child? Are you ‘in love' with your dog?
No. You love your child. You love your dog. You 'love' period.
With real love there is no ‘in’ because there is no ‘out’. You just love.
What does love mean to you? Is it a fleeting warm, fuzzy feeling?
Is it an addictive chemical rush in your brain that causes you to feel wanted, desired, and special?
Or is love a more solid, permanent emotion that once imbedded into your mind and nervous system is there to stay.
Can real love ever dissipate once it has been established?
In this sense, love may change forms and levels of intensity (with a child as they grow from toddler to teenager for example).
But you’re never ‘out’ of love, the emotion has simply changed form.
Maybe, just maybe, if you can fall ‘out’ of love with someone then it wasn’t really love to begin with.
Was it Love or Infatuation?
People often confuse the words ‘love’ and ‘infatuation’. I know I sure have.
When you meet someone new you see the best of that person and overlook the worst.
But over time the outer layers of the self peel away and a persons true character is revealed.
If you've gone through a breakup you can keep telling yourself how much you were in love and how sad you now are.
But if you can admit that it wasn’t love, but temporary infatuation you will be able to move on much easier.
If the love was temporary it wasn't love. It was infatuation.
Being truthful with yourself about what the relationship was.
Being truthful allows you to make the best decisions on how you plan to handle your break up.
Don’t fall into the fairy tale trap.
The fairy tale trap is thinking you were in love with the perfect person.
And now that it's finished it has to be a dramatic event full of misery and distress.
Don't fall into the fairytale trap. Move on.
Love: Real or Illusion?
Love is a feeling, an emotion.
Emotions are a combination of neuro chemicals in your brain.
This chemical combination creates emotion ‘x’ as a result.
My grandmother told me sometimes people see things in other people that aren’t really there.
Was the person who you thought was so great really so great?
Or was it your perception at the time based on your own cognitive bias?
If you answered yes and they were in fact so great, why are you breaking up?
My Grandmother wasn't a neuro scientist. But she knew through life experience that infatuation is often mistaken for love.
Think about looking at clouds.
When you look for the shape of a horses head in the clouds, your mind will see a horse head.
This is known as cognitive bias. People tend to see what they want to see.
There are many ways your relationship can end via break up.
That chemical storm had previously created feelings of bliss, affection and love.
But the mix of pleasure chemicals has now begun to dissipate.
You no longer have feelings of love and attraction and your compatibility has begun to wane.
You’re not "high" anymore.
You start to see that same person with a ‘sober’ mind.
You no longer have the chemical rush of "love" clouding your judgement.
People start drifting apart for many reasons. Lack of trust.
Loss of sexual attraction.
Different value systems too far apart to be compatible.
Fixing a Failed Relationship
Confucius once said “if you’re going to sit, sit. If you’re going to stand, stand.
But whatever you do, don’t wobble”.
Likewise, if you’re going to break up, break up.
If you’re going to try to fix things and continue the relationship, do so.
But whatever you do, don’t get caught in an endless cycle of break up, drama, back together.
That cycle is a waste of time and never ends well.
Not only a misallocation of emotional energy, but it also eats away your dignity and self worth.
Sit or stand. But don’t wobble.
Break up or work it out, but don't go back and forth.
Why Are You Going Back?
Ask yourself why you would even go back.
Do you think that what caused break up in the first place will no longer be an ‘issue’ once you go back together?
Human beings are creatures of habit.
Are you going back because you think you can have what you once had before the break up took place?
The dynamics of your relationship have now changed.
Regardless of what you decide to do and how it works out, it wont be what it once was.
You can’t move backwards once time has moved forward.
Can You Fix a Broken Relationship?
What was the issue that caused you to part in the first place?
If it was enough for you to consider breaking up, do you really want to go back to square one and start all over again?
Be honest with yourself.
People tend to hold onto the past.
They wish they could have what once was, rather than having the faith and confidence to move forward.
It takes inner strength to make the decision to move forward and forge a new path for yourself.
3 Types of Break-Up
1. Heartbreak and Drama
The least desirable way to breakup it turning it into a dramatic and painful event.
This does nothing positive for anyone.
It will drain your energy and waste your precious time.
If you feel you need to say something say it, by all means.
Avoid arguments, emotionally charged interactions, the phone calls and the messages.
Don't let things get ugly.
Accept what is and move on.
Say what you want to say then move on.
Avoid a dramatic breakup at all cost.
2. Cut It Fast and Move on
If you’ve made the decision to break up do so with a nice clean break.
No contact. No calls. No text messages. No social media.
Delete their number. Un-friend and block them on all social media channels.
Get them out of your mind and start a clean slate.
Stay out of the past. Get on with your life.
3. Amicably Part Ways
Once you've both accepted its time to move on you can do so amicably.
Provided the breakup wasn't caused by a disastrous event this is the best route to go.
Say what you need to say. Give each other your best wishes for the future.
Thank them for the good times you shared.
Have some time apart for a while.
In the future you can reconnect but now you need to spend some time apart.
The priority in all three of the above scenarios is to break up without dragging out the process.
Then you can get on living a productive and prosperous life.
Things to Remember
First get clear on why you’re breaking up, what didn’t work?
What you can learn from the experience?
Don’t get caught in a repetitious cycle of unhealthy relationships.
Even when things don't work out you can learn and improve from the experience.
You’re now clear on what you want, and more importantly you know what you don’t want.
Before you try to ‘fix’ the problem that caused the break up, and stay with the person ask yourself why?
Finally once you’ve decided that breaking up is the right decision, do it.
Make it a clean break.
Whether you decide break up amicably, or delete them from your life entirely, that’s your decision.
Make the decision then get on with your life.
Life is brief. It can end at any moment.
Focus on creating an amazing life for yourself, if that's what you want.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you can have.
Think and Live Well,