How To Fall Out of Love The Right Way (8 Steps)
BY CHRIS SAVAGE
Can We Choose Who to Fall in Love With?
The emotion of love is a part of being human.
A life without love is a sad thing to see, and a life full of love is a beautiful experience.
Love is a double-edged sword.
If you’re in love with the right person in a healthy balanced way you’re winning.
But if you’re in love (or something you think is love) with the wrong person it can ruin your life.
When you love someone you want to give your best to them and make personal sacrifices, but
If the person you’re gifting your love to is using that as a way to control and manipulate you then you have a problem.
So the answer to the question “can we choose who to fall in love with?” is yes, and no.
We can’t choose who we fall for, but we can choose whether to or not we stick around.
Attraction Is Not a Choice
Attraction isn’t a choice.
We’re hardwired, neurologically and biologically, to be attracted to some people and not attracted to others.
In this sense, we don’t choose.
Whatever your reason for falling out of love, we wrote this article with you in mind.
8 Ways to Fall Out of Love
1. Expect it to Be Hard at First
Emotional and psychological change is never easy.
There will always be a transition period where you have to adjust to your new situation.
You were in love with someone. Now you have to be “not” in love with them.
Be ok with this being a difficult time. Rest assured every day that passes will be easier for you.
It’s no different from breaking a bad habit, be it smoking, drinking, excessive masturbation, or eating junk food.
In the beginning, it can feel like an impossible feat to keep it up.
But when you focus yourself on today, then tomorrow, you start to feel more empowered that yes, you can in fact do this.
It might be difficult at first, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not going to try, and succeed.
2. Withdraw Your Attention
The more attention you give something the bigger it’s presence will be in your life.
If you pine and moan over what you perceive to be a negative experience the longer that experience will remain a negative force in your life.
When you decide to put a stop to feeling like a victim and get on with your life, the experience that was upsetting you begins to disappear, or at the very least, lessen its emotional hold on you.
To fall out of love, move your attention away from the person you were attached to.
The more you think about them and reminisce about the good times, the harder it will be for you.
Keep yourself busy. Make an effort to meet new people and go to new places.
Take your attention away from the person, the circumstance that led you here, and how sad you are without them.
Redirect that same attention to being your best self and living your best life, regardless of who you’re with or not with.
3. Understand Why You Were Infatuated
Ever been totally infatuated with someone?
They were perfect in every way, when you were with them you felt amazing and you thought the fairy tale would go on forever?
Then years pass and you look back at that same person and think to yourself “what was I doing?”.
Attraction is transitory. What you find attractive now is different from what you used to find attractive.
When you’re trying to fall out of love with someone try to think rationally just what it is/was that caused you to feel that way in the first place.
Were you putting them on a pedestal and exaggerating all their good qualities while simultaneously ignoring their bad ones?
Was it your own lack of self-esteem that was bolstered when you were around them?
Did you have a vision for what life should be like that you felt this person contributed to?
Did it make you feel special to not be alone anymore?
Humans are prone to cognitive bias (automated, flawed thinking that makes us feel right and saves us the humiliation of being wrong).
Maybe your infatuation had nothing to do with them being so great after all.
4. Clarify Your Goals
You might be thinking “what have goals got to do with me falling out of love?”.
Goals are about focus and taking your life in the direction you want it to go.
Having a few compelling personal goals, goals that really get you excited and motivated, and cause you to take action, has multiple benefits in the context of falling out of love.
They give you something to focus your mind on and keep you engaged. Focusing on your goals means focusing on you.
You don’t have time to sit around moping about your lost love because you’re too busy taking action and transforming your life into a masterpiece.
Goals are also forward-facing. The past has very little to do with you accomplishing them.
What matters is her and now, and what you do from here.
The reason you want to focus on your goals when you’re trying to fall out of love is they help put things into perspective.
When you think about your life long term, the type of person you want to be, and the type of life you want to live, does one minor emotional event even matter in the larger scheme of things?
Falling out of love isn’t difficult when you have something so much larger and more important to focus on (your long term goals, life, and happiness).
Having a big vision for your future lessens the importance of one emotional attachment to one person.
Rule of life: Whenever anything in your life isn’t going your way, revert to your goals.
Remind yourself what’s important and what’s worth focusing on/not focusing on, then get back to work.
5. Be Realistic
The terms “love” and “in love” have fairytale-like connotations.
If you know it’s time to fall out of love with someone, be real about it.
Stop making it hard for yourself. Obviously, they’re not the one for you to be in love with.
You can make it difficult and try to hold on, feeling sorry for yourself and moping around as if your life's over, or you can accept it and move on.
Ask yourself why it didn’t work out.
What could you/they have done differently that might have created another result?
When people get emotional and especially when it comes to relationships people, replace realism with hope.
They overlook what is and see instead what they wish it would be.
The best attitude to have is to admit to yourself that it didn't work. Accept it, and move on with dignity.
6. Cut All Contact
When you’re trying to fall out of love with someone the first thing you must do is to cease all contact.
That’s right, no phone calls, text messages, social media dm’s. Nothing.
If you’re not willing to cut off all contact then you’re not serious about falling out of love and getting on with your life.
The more something is in front of your face the more you think about it.
If you’re constantly reminding yourself about someone because you’re still in contact do you really think you’re going to get over them and be able to move on with the rest of your life?
Now’s the time to use your inner strength and not be a victim to short term whims of emotion and weakness.
Cut off all contact. Everything.
Unless you can say you have no emotional attachment to them and you’ve moved on with your life (and you mean it) you have no business talking, messaging, following, or even thinking about them.
7. Keep Busy
Anthony Robbins always says action is the ultimate cure-all.
This rule ties in with #4: Goals.
Become so busy and preoccupied with making your life a masterpiece that you don’t have time to think about anything else.
When people have too much idle time on their hands they’re mind starts going into places that are best not to go.
Regret, doubt, negativity. All signs of someone who doesn’t have enough good stuff going on right now to take they’re attention away.
Your number one goal should be to be a productive human.
Know what you want and what you should be doing to get there, and do it!
It sounds simple because it is.
You’ll never be at your best to live the life you deserve if you’re pining over a lost love.
Put your self-esteem and dignity back on top and get on with it.
Stay busy, stay productive, and face the future.
8. Make a Fresh Start
You have a great opportunity in front of you; a chance to start fresh.
Falling out of love means that a part of your life has come to an end.
Think of the marvelous possibilities that now lie in front of you.
Dust off the past and get excited about now. Decide that today is the first day of your new life.
Whatever the reason for falling out of love, it’s done.
Don’t waste time reminiscing and trying to get back the past.
Look forward. You have your whole life ahead of you.
So many incredible things are coming to you you can’t even imagine them.
But you have to be in the right emotional and psychological state to be able to receive them.
Fall out of love with someone, and fall in love with yourself, your goals, and the life you have in front of you.
When you have these as your primary focus there’s not much you won’t be able to accomplish.
See this time as the opportunity it is and go for it!
Quotes About Falling Out of Love
"Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future" —Daphne Rose Kingma
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go" —Hermann Hesse
"Never love something so much that you can’t let go of it" —Ginni Rometty
"Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over" —Guy Finley
"The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did" —Faraaz Kazi